Reduce Your Spouse’s Spending Without Destroying Your Marriage

Are you worried about your spouse’s overspending and its effect on your marriage? Take these steps to reduce your mate’s spending without ruining your relationship.

by Gary Foreman

Dear Dollar Stretcher, 
My husband’s spending is starting to drive a wedge between us. I want to put money away for a vacation and our son’s college fund. But there’s never any money left at the end of the month.

My husband does outside sales, so he’s in a car all day. By the end of the day, he’s spent $8 or $9 on Starbucks, candy bars, sodas, etc. That’s nearly $200 per month! When I ask him about it, we quickly get into a fight. I know that he wants to save for college, etc., but he doesn’t seem to be able to stop or even cut back on the spending.

What can I do that won’t destroy my marriage?
Alexie

A Common Problem With a Doable Solution

Alexie faces a common problem. In most couples, one is more concerned with the finances than the other. And it’s also common to find that married people have very different spending styles. So, disputes over money are all too common.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. There are some things that you can do to help you reach your financial goals and strengthen your marriage at the same time.

Let Someone Else Do the Talking

Begin by recognizing that you might not be the best person to talk to your husband about his spending habits. Sometimes, it’s hard to recognize the truth when it comes from someone close to us. We’re more likely to see it if we read it in a book or hear it from an expert. You might have more success if he hears it from an investment advisor or reads it in a book like Your Money or Your Life: 9 Steps to Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence.

Try Setting a Specific Goal

Next, recognize that most of us like to achieve goals. Some are driven by the need to achieve. If you can connect a goal (say, a vacation that hubby wants) to the behavior needed (one less Starbucks each day), you can cause a change in habits. If Hubby buys into the goal and method for achieving it, you’ll have a powerful ally.

Make sure that you have reminders in strategic places, ideally in spots that will remind you of your goal, just as you’re about ready to make a buying decision that could pull you further from your goal. For instance, Hubby might find it helpful to keep a vacation travel brochure or two in the car.

Have specific dollar amounts and dates in mind. “We’ll save $1,500 by next June.” Planning on ‘saving some money’ for some time in the future is a hope; it’s not a goal. Without specifics, you can’t say whether you’ve achieved your goal or not. And you’re not very likely to accomplish anything.

Use Cash Instead of a Card

You may find that your husband is spending money without thinking about it. Studies show that people spend more money when they use plastic. It might be helpful to set up a cash allowance during the week. Ask hubby to agree to put away the cards and switch to cash. He’ll be more aware of his expenses when he handles greenbacks.

Allow for Some Flexibility

Don’t say that he can never stop at a 7-Eleven for a candy bar. Rather, ask him to limit it to once or twice a week. Or perhaps as a reward for sales calls that end up in a commission for him.

Keep Track of Your Success and Celebrate It

Ideally, you can move the money saved to a separate account(s) meant for your vacation or college fund. You’ll find that each time you make a deposit, you’ll be re-energized to save even more. Make sure that you talk about your progress. The victory is best shared.

And be willing to listen to his comments about your spending. He may well see places that you should consider cutting back. You owe it to him to give it some thought. You owe it to yourself, too.

Save More Until Your Spouse Starts Spending Less

Don’t let his success (or lack thereof) keep you from saving. It’s easy to get discouraged when you feel like you’re pulling the whole load alone. But it’s even more important for you to save when your partner isn’t.

Ultimately, it’s important to recognize that you cannot change your husband’s behavior. Only he can do that. And, he’s much more likely to want to make changes if he sees how he will personally benefit from the different outcomes. You may find it helpful to occasionally remind him how he’ll benefit when you achieve your goal. But don’t overdo it.

Things like spending and saving can be a minefield for marriages. False moves can do serious damage. At the same time, those challenges can be overcome and actually build up the marriage.

• Could You Be Causing Your Spouse To Overspend?
• 3 Things To Avoid During Money Talks With an Overspending Spouse
• When Your Spouse Doesn’t Care About Saving Money

Reviewed June 2024

About the Author

Gary Foreman is the former owner and editor of The Dollar Stretcher. He's the author of How to Conquer Debt No Matter How Much You Have and has been featured in MSN Money, Yahoo Finance, Fox Business, The Nightly Business Report, US News Money, Credit.com and CreditCards.com.